Day 1 again… Relapse and Recovery

Fall down seven, get up eight

Japanese Proverb

Practice surrender and acceptance and the minutes will turn into hours and another day will come.

An emotional spin out getting through some intense weeks, 4 and a half years clean enjoying the security and remembering to give thanks for the freedom from self. Then a few really bad mental health days, locked down with some heavy depression before a nightmare so real I awoke screaming and tried to knock myself and then thought “”$%ck it” and it’s back to day 1 again…

Relapse and recovery… this was my torture for the first years of my attendance to a twelve step program. Round in circles, get some recovery then relapse get some recovery and relapse watching everyone else getting well, and the desperation as I watched everything slip through my fingers until there was little to salvage but my life.

My mental health hasn’t gotten any better in the past week or so, there is a awe of helplessness and hopelessness and my ambition for this newfound life seems to have completely disappeared. I make it through the days and retreat to my safe haven and it is like groundhog day, except now there is an element of early recovery madness again. I could go on… But I realise that even if everything I say is true, this thinking is self defeating and I will never find recovery or new horizons unless I change the narrative.

An addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.


I need to remember that EVERY day clean is a day WON! And it does not matter if I am back to counting days again, I still have a whole new life full of people that love me and want the best for me so swallow the humble pie and be grateful for Day 1… Practice surrender and acceptance and the minutes will turn into hours and another day will come.

Had a feeling?

In Love
Not Sure
Paul T
Learning to live life again and recovering from addiction

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